This is Matthew Lesko, also known as "that question mark guy." He will be our "You Asked It" mascot here at Rookie.
Do you really think that sex sells, and why?
—María, Barranquilla, Colombia
Dear María,
You know what? I do think sex sells. I think romance sells and I think “love” sells too. But who’s buying?
Everyone wants to believe they can buy a fantasy, and certain advertisers would like us to believe we can buy it from them, but we can’t, because it’s a big fat capitalist lie! Don’t believe it, María!
In the end, corporations make a lot of money while the rest of us are stuck with a bunch of unrealistic ideals. Sex is not Sookie and Bill in the middle of a misty forest under the full moon sucking each other’s blood. It’s not that nervous chick and the hot dude from Twilight either. It’s not (usually) silk sheets and fine wine, and it normally doesn’t happen on the beach (rolling around in the sand is not ideal for sex).
That being said, I love True Blood and watch it weekly. I love all kinds of rom-coms and sexy things. I like fantasy. It’s fun. But it’s just that. I have to make sure I remember that it’s not real life.
I started smoking cigarettes because I thought it looked cool (sex). I wanted the popular jock to fall in love with me, the weirdo, in high school, because that’s what happened in Pretty in Pink (romance). Now I just smoke cigarettes and can’t quit and spend $13 on a pack and might die from them. When I made eye contact with the popular jock in high school he laughed in my face.
The good news is that even though “sex sells,” the real life, non-fantastical version of it is better. Yes, it makes us nervous, awkward, wear the wrong things, sweat too much. That’s the real feeling of something that no one can buy or sell.
Real romance doesn’t take place under silk sheets while you’re listening to R. Kelly or whatever. Real romance is when maybe you accidentally spill your water all over the sheets and feel stupid. It happens when you trip over your words, or a crack in the sidewalk, and you blush and feel embarrassed and vulnerable and the guy or girl you like still likes you anyway. Actually, it makes them want to kiss you more. Then you feel crazy rushing feelings in the pit of your stomach that you don’t know how to explain. That feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies; it’s a scientific fact. So let me ask you this: do you think that’s something you can buy?
I hope that answers your question.
xx
Lesley
Oh.
Log in to replythis is so wonderful and true. and i think the part about what romance is real romance is the best. shy girl romance, i think, is always pure like that.
Log in to replyQuite insiteful if I say so myself.
Log in to replyInteresting post. I thought it was rather grand! Thankyouohsoverymuch.
Log in to replyThat guy with the question-mark suit — he lived in my town growing up and his kid went to my high school. They drove a purple mini van with yellow question marks all over it. That kid had a rough/awesome four years.
Log in to reply‘That feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies; it’s a scientific fact.’ Best thing I’ve read all year. Thanks.
Log in to replythis is wonderful!
Log in to replyespecially the part about tripping
I’m accident prone so it’s lovely knowing I have someone who thinks it’s adorable instead of intolerable :)
Love this. Shy awkward romance is the only romance to me. Sometimes the unsexiest moments are the sexiest moments. Except for sand in your vagina. Sex on the beach, do people actually DO that?
p.s. Lesley, I never thought you would be the type of girl to have a crush on the popular jock in school. Surpreeeesed!
Log in to replylittlemiho, WHY did you not see into the future that i would bug you to get his autograph for me years later??
Log in to replyThe only heart I have is beating with love for your romantic advice, Lesley!
Log in to replyI love this post because it made me smile and it made me feel good and it made me remember every time my love has smiled at me for general awkwardness and yes this was wonderful. <3
Log in to replyI hardly think many are in the notion of silk sheets, fine wine, or walks on the beach. The mindset many have when considering fashion is typically “Hmm does this make me look good?” So it’s not as much a question of sex sells, but rather sexy sells.
Log in to replyAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you are sooo cool Lesley Arfin.
Log in to replyMatthew Lesko both asked and invited questions during his stint as a high school health teacher.
Log in to replyUm where was this advice when I was fourteen. I needed it so bad. Glad I finally found the boy who loves me for who I am though and it’s definitely romantic when he smiles at me after I do something totally klutzy like spill water everywhere, which I definitely do. A lot.
Also agree with ferrris, ‘That feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies; it’s a scientific fact.’ is one of the best lines I have ever ever read!
Log in to replyThis. This. This.
Thank you.
Log in to reply“that feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies.”
Log in to replyYou guys are going to kill me–death by laughter. This just totally made my day, and perhaps my entire life.
<3Lovely
Okay, I used to have long highlighted blonde hair. It was nice at first but then I realized It wasn’t me. Cut it all off in the summer and died it dark brown! I love my hair now. But I was worried that guys wouldn’t like me if I had short hair, soo silly. I stop sulking and became proud and confident. And guess what? If a guy wants me to act and be different he is NOT the guy for me. thank you for posting a motivational article. Real confident booster.
Log in to reply“Then you feel crazy rushing feelings in the pit of your stomach that you don’t know how to explain. That feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies; it’s a scientific fact.”
Wow. You really do learn something new every day.
I’m glad that’s what today’s new thing was.
Log in to replyI remember being smaller and watching Gilmore Girls with my Mum, there’s this episode where a character, Lane, describes losing her virginity on a beach. And she says “Crabs! The real kind!” and ever since I’ve had a terribly unromantic idea of sex on a beach and a terribly comical idea of what genital crabs look like.
Log in to replyThis is one of the best things I’ve read in a while. Sex sells, but love can never be purchased.
Log in to replysiiiigh. I’d buy this.
Log in to replyThere is a wonderful sexual education resource online for teenagers but it’s useful for everyone. It can be found at Scarleteen.
My advice? You don’t have to be super in love but if there’s no joy and laughter in your early encounters (or any of them): kick it to the curb.
You can have sex without love but you can’t have sex without *soul*.
Sarah
Log in to replyx
Don’t we all need to constantly remind ourselves that shows are not real life? lol
Log in to replybutterflies having sex with butterflies <3 excellent
Log in to replyButterflies having sex with other butterflies pretty much sums it up. Oh and the smoking thing… really hope I don’t get addicted as it really just seems like a relaxing thing to do at the moment, what with the nerves of going back to school and everything.
Log in to replydamn, this is so true. and what better to use (and thereby kinda profane) as a vehicle to sell stuff than something almost everybody longs for and likes?
Log in to replyI could die reading these words: “Then you feel crazy rushing feelings in the pit of your stomach that you don’t know how to explain. That feeling is actually butterflies having sex with other butterflies; it’s a scientific fact.”
Hilarious and undeniably true! Well-said, Lesley :-D
Log in to replyI really hope that capitalist thing was a joke. Capitalism is the reason this website can exist in the first place!
Log in to replySex made me read this article.
Log in to replyThis is a fascinating article if I must say so myself! “Butterflies having sex with other butterflies”? Genius! And I would definitely be lying if I said that my addiction to true blood hasn’t given me fantasies that make it difficult to seperate reality from fiction. But stating my opinion, real world sex is much better. I mean it isn’t perfect, No you will never have your own personal eric northman or bill compton to fill your every sexual fantasy and desire but, atleast what you do have is REAL. Personally though, my boyfriend is enough to fill every fantasy and i’d take him over the media’s idea of “sex” any day. I loved this and I love this site! Thanks for the post :)
Log in to replysex sells to who wants to buy it.
real love is not always sex, much as sex is not always real love. real love you cannot buy. it is awkward, is nervous, it comfortable and instinctual.
take a break from the media and experience love in the real world around you. it is everywhere. and it doesn’t have to come from another person to feel meaningful.
Log in to replyFinally something realistic for teens to chew on! Let’s leave those fantasies on screen, paper, and in your mind. Besides nothing beats sharing your first times stories w/ your group of pals years later. Trust me, however silly, embarrassing, or lame it is; you will be laughing and trying to top each other with the best worst story. lol!
Log in to replyThank you for this. I have the worlds biggest Girl Crush on Lesley Arfin.
Log in to replyI feel like I’ve missed out on a lot in life because there hasn’t really been anyone crush-worthy in my four years of high school. Other than a certain teacher….
Log in to replyI LOVE THIS!!!! theres this guy that i like and im pretty sure he likes me back but every time something happens to either one of us we turn all red and i get all giggley. lol. but i love this becuz this is the honest to gosh truth.
Log in to replyThis reminds me of a particularly awesome Don Draper quote: “What you call ‘love’ was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.” While romcoms and Valentine’s Day are all perfectly fine (actually, just kidding about the latter), they’ve fooled so many girls into believing a false concept. And I realized I would never fall into a Pretty in Pink scenario in junior high, when a heavily Abercrombie-scented fellow asked me for the answers to a homework assignment and proceeded to be totally rude to me during the ballroom-dancing unit in gym class, so, you know…
Log in to replyAll very true- but sometimes those storybook moments present themselves as well and you have to roll with it. The other day my ex rode six miles in the dark and rain to my house to ask for me back. We hopped my neighbors fence and went swimming in their pool at 3 am.
Those sort of things can happen, too. If you’re open to it.
Log in to replyBeautiful.
Log in to replyThat last paragraph kills me. I find myself coming back to this page to read it again and again. Brilliant. Well done, Lesley.
Log in to reply=D
Log in to replythis is so true and beautiful.
Log in to replyLovely..I need a little romance but I’m too caught up in my own little world to let anyone in.
Log in to replyI’m from the DC area and one time I saw Matthew Lesko in H&M wearing the question mark suit.
Log in to replyIt’s so true about how when we were younger we thought that love was kisses on the cheek, sex on the beach, and heart shaped candy boxes. Yeah, sex does sell but now days I would like to think that there are young girls who actually don’t care about marrying Justin Bieber or actually believe in all that fake hollywood happy endings. it’s nice to want romance but there are so many other things we want to explore in this world. I love this website and the article was great.
Log in to replyDo we really need to inject politically-biased undertones in a column about sex? Teens are impressionable. Let’s teach them to study and learn about both sides so they can make their own political decisions (hint: big, fat corporations and capitalism shouldn’t be blamed for all the ills of the world). Otherwise, neat web-zine.
Log in to reply^ What is wrong with having political undertones in an op-ed? With all due respect, by saying “Teens are impressionable,” it implies that we don’t necessarily have our own political opinions formed already, and that we shouldn’t read neat articles about the objectification of women in advertising and the materialism associated with sex in our society because that would means that we would want to criticize the holiness that is capitalism! Or critically engage in issues that affect us!
Log in to replynom nom nom nom nom
Log in to reply