Rookie

Me in a few years, just wait! Lawlz.

Hey brahs!

(No homo.)

My name is Will McPhilson, as in Chill McChillson, as in can I get some fries wit dat McChillson ayyyyyy up high!, and I’m here to educate you girls on the younger end of the teenage spectrum (sextrum) about middle-school dating, which I am an expert on. You cougars of the high school set are welcome to read on, too. (Wink.)

Junior high is crazy, am I right? Like, all this shit’s going down, Axe sales are going up, and suddenly Facebook is all, oooooh, look at me, I have boobies and know how to use Picnik. This is called “hormones,” which I learned cuz once on Yahoo! Answers I was like “ayo why do i sweat so much” and everyone was like “Are you twelve?” and I was like “yea ur mom” and then they were like, “hormones, LOOK IT UP” and I did but then Google gave me some science shit so I was like pfft, eff this, later brah. (No homo.)

So whatever these hormones are, they are bouncing off the walls of some tiny-ass middle school, like why are all these horny lil kids cooped up together in one building, I have no clue. Some boys are what my mom calls “late bloomers” and are still reading their Highlights and Ranger Rick shit, but real men (spoiler alert: ME! lawlz) have already moved on to the more risqué Seventeens stolen from our big sisters’ rooms. I’ve noticed that they have all these tips on what guys think in there. Since I am a real guy, I thought I would offer my tips here at Rookie, cuz I think the female race could benefit from knowing all this shiz, and I think the male race would benefit from the female race knowing it cuz then we can achieve maximum X-treme potential closed-mouth kissing plej (short for pleasure, look it up).

First of all, if you decide to ask out a guy, MAKE SURE it’s on Facebook chat. Nothing is more awkward than having to talk to a girl in real life. So chat his azz up, be sure to use abreevs and smilies and be all flirty, and make sure your profile picture is lookin’ good, cuz he is def gonna click on your profile, and judge your ass.

Second of all, actually, don’t talk to each other ever! It’s not like you’re gonna marry this bro. Stick to the smilies and physical action (don’t worry ladies, I’ll get there in a sec) and you’ll be all good. In fact, I am going to share with you a really great convo I had with a girl I went out with last week, it was pretty baller, we totally got to first base on Friday:

Jessie: hey
Me: hey
Jessie: wu
Me: nm u
Jessie: nm
Me: lol same here
Jessie: ya lol

Yeah, that was a good week.

As promised, time for the pHySiCaL aCtIoN ayyyyy up high! Let’s talk setting first. These are the ONLY aprops places to play tonsil tennis (look it up, pfft) with your boi:

Juke party: Preferable cuz EVERY1 will be all up on each other so no one will care about whatever you and your boi do (till you go posting it all over Facebook, lawlz).
Your friend’s house: If you do decide to get together at a friend’s, be sure to sneak away while everyone else in your group is too busy watching Jersey Shore to notice that you’re off to get your own snooki if you know what I mean! (If you don’t, “snooki” means closed-mouth kiss, duh, pfft.)
8th grade graduation dance: The problem with the school dance is that your saggy old social studies teacher will be in the corner makin’ eyes at you. Oh wait! I forgot you are not me. I just got confused for a sec there cuz those cat lady teachers are always checkin me out on the dance floor. I mean, have you ever heard a more obvious pick up line than “You’ve spilled punch all over your pants, let’s get you some gym shorts from the nurse’s”? Yeah right, Mrs. K. I see you, girl. You girls should just make sure you look slutty in some sick-ass dress (but don’t be slutty, know what I’m saying)?

The fourth thing you need to know is SWAGG. Every 12-year-old boy I know loves a girl with a tight-ass Hollister-ass T-shirt ass (ass). You know what, it doesn’t even need to be Hollister, just as long as you have some kind of eagle or seagull or moose or dog or whateva of some kind, you will be all set. I mean, as long as you keep away from this kind of shit, because then you may as well go be reading Ranger Rick with all the other 11-year-olds (pfft).

By this point, you may be thinking, “I got this, McChill, but what about when we’re at the learning box?” Stick to the FB-chat-only rule — that includes not talking in school. Leave your bedroom eyes friend’s basement eyes at the door when you walk in and pick them up only if you’re heading to a juke party on the way out, ayyyyy up high.

And, since Halloween is coming up and I’m feelin’ extra generous, I’ll give you some costume ideas that’ll be sure to lock in your next boyfriend in no time: slutty candy, slutty nursery-rhymes characters, and slutty animals. Again, I repeat, you wanna LOOK slutty, but don’t act slutty. That’s just gross. Take advantage of this special holiday to pass off your hotness as arts n crafts (no homo @ my talking about crafts).

NO, you know what would be SO SICK? If you were a slutty animal in a tight ass t-shirt with an animal logo on it. Like, dress as a moose, and then wear an Abercrombie shirt with a moose on it. Holy shit, you owe me SO MUCH.

In conclusion, just stick to my guidelines and you’ll be surfing the tight-ass waves of the middle school dating pool in no time. Let me know how it goes! But only if your explanation doesn’t extend beyond “hey,” “wu,” and “nmu.” (Lawlz.)

Now, let’s get to the burning question that’s really on your mind—yes, ladies, I am single! ♦