Rookie

Hey bras!

(Ha-ha, boobies.)

Back by poopular (POOPular) demand, it’s me, Chill McChillson! Your favorite 7th grade boii. Since we last talked, I have moved from Seventeen to Cosmopolitan, and they are really into giving women the FYI of “what men want,” so here is a wishlist of stuff I want for Christmas this year! I know Thanksgiving isn’t even till next week, but it’s always the right season for some more Axe.

But I’m not asking for just some deo-cologne. What do you think this is, Hanukkah? (JK, I love da jews!) (No homo.) No, I have other things in mind. Things like…

A SICK-ASS CAR, ayyyy up high. 100% rubber tires, my nickname spray-painted across the side in metallic SILVER, and everything on the inside covered in snakeskin spray-painted the same way. I’m still 12 though (don’t worry, older girls are cool ;)), so it’ll just have to wait for me to turn 16. Until then, I can keep it in…

THIS TIGHT-ASS BACHELOR PAD. I don’t know where it is or how much it costs or anything, but I have always thought it would be cool to own a house like my hero Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men, so I Googled “house” and this came up. Yeah, I wanna be like that boss Charlie Harper (RIP <3) AND I know how to use Google. I'm not just super hawt, I'm smart, too. Ayyy up high.

And what bachelor would be complete without a bitchin' sidekick?

Girls really like animals. Sometimes I see girls post pictures to Facebook of like, Ryan Gosling holding a puppy, and then they all flip out together. It’s not crazy, I mean, I agree that, yes, Ryan Gosling is about the sexiest person on the face of the earth and, given the opportunity, I would probs def totes ma-scrotes make out with him. (No homo.) But for some reason the fact that he’s holding some little furry asshole really makes the ladies swoon. So, when girls come over, I want them to see I’m loving and caring, cuz I got a dawg. With a tight lil fedora. You know I’d never let one of my bros go without a fedora, pfft.

Including myself!

The pix wouldn't save so I had to screenshot it. Remember that time I used Google, also? Hawt but smart. Still. Pfft.

The fedora, case you didn’t know, is a classic symbol of klass. From “Frank Sinatra” (some loser old guy my mom likes, idk) to Jason Mraz (my other hero, look it up), fedoras have always meant an in with the ladies, ayyy up high.

You know what else would be cool?

MY OWN WICKED-ASS “THE BACHELOR”-STYLE TV SHOW. Loads of girls competing for my love. Hot tubs. A dope mansion complete with granite countertops and bathroom mirrors that let you check yourself out from all the angles. Crazy dates that involve crazy activities like kissing while skydiving, kissing while going on a roller coaster, and kissing while having a Flamin’ Hots eating contest. SICK.

But I’m a gentleman, too. I’ll take my cues from the Bachelor above. You know he bought that black-haired chick those leopard-print clogs himself. And that is real tight-ass klass.

I guess that’s what I want most of all this Christmas. Just a girl who’ll let me buy her leopard-print clogs. Who will let me love her. I know I seem like I’m a ladies’ man (not saying I’m not, get that straight), but for every cool tip I got from Charlie Harper, I got just as many on how to be a loving dude from Jason. He taught me that there’s more to love and being the most romantic version of yourself than just fedoras. It’s not material stuff. It’s all in you already. That’s why he never wears shoes.

Well, I guess that’s it. Oh, and you can send any of these prezzies to Sexy Claws, 1234 Hot Street, Hotville, SX, Hot States of America, 6020hot. Forget your HollSteez (Hollister Steez), and let McChill keep you warm this HolSeas (Holiday Season) ;) (No homo @ my poetry.) ♦