I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out how to express what has happened to me this week; it feels like it has contained more than seven days’ worth of experiences. It’s been a little overwhelming.
Let me start here: as you might have gathered, if you’ve been reading my diary these past five months, I’ve been dealing, for a long time, with a lot of fears and restrictions. It’s been hard for me to venture very far from my house. New experiences tend to frighten me. I get anxious easily; I fall into depressions with ease.
Well, Friday I actually went to two places that I hadn’t been to for over a year! They were just two stores, and I know that to most people that sounds like no big deal at ALL, but for someone like me, it was really hard. I have agoraphobia, even though I’ve been reluctant to say so out loud, at least here on Rookie, because I get embarrassed about it. Staying close to home was, for a long time, a coping method to deal with my anxiety. I’ve been breaking myself of that habit slowly over the past year, with walks around my neighborhood and to the library and to my best friend’s house, and volunteering in the church office, answering the phones and things.
I have a lot more to say about this and will someday, but I feel like I want to wait until it’s more definitely behind me, when my feeling so trapped is a distant memory. Plus, like I said, I’m still a little embarrassed and ashamed about it. I’m also scared. Scared of life! But I think fear is a sign that something’s changing, and that’s good. Let’s dance.