Naomi
My toe hasn’t healed yet. I am still hobbling around on it, but I won’t divulge all the gory details and I will most certainly save you a photo of its progress.
So, it has been a pretty dull week. I haven’t felt able to leave the house because it’s still so painful to walk. Right after my laptop mishap happened and my toe began to swell up like a balloon, I thought the healing process would last a couple of days. Oh, how wrong I was. These past 10 days have felt like weeks.
My mind is an absolute mess; my dreams are crazy. I’ve been listening to the Smiths a lot, and one night’s dreams were all of Morrissey. The last one was my favourite: Morrissey with Robert Plant’s hair talking about how important children’s nursery rhymes were to him. In last night’s dream I was in Germany on a weird school-trip type thing, a reflection of all the schoolwork I have to do on Nazi Germany. The worst was when my best friend died in my back garden. I told her (in real life) that she had died in my dream, and it didn’t seem to bother her that much.
Walking and exercise have become important coping tools for the shit that life throws at me, and without them, I was been completely lost, but then I found ways to sit still and create the same kind of separation from the world that I feel when I am walking or jogging. I found drawing and listening to music simultaneously to be very effective when you have to no room to think about anything and just need a break. Also good: flicking through art books (Matisse and Van Gogh), while Morrissey (with his own hair this time) sings to me. It’s nice to know I can adapt to change without spiraling deep down. Also my brother is back from uni for Easter, and he can make me laugh and annoy me and otherwise put me in touch with a small spectrum of emotion outside of just boredom.
On reflection, I’ve coped really damn well. Now I am terrified about what lies ahead. First off, my birthday. Dammit my 18th birthday. What. Then me and les parents are going on a little holiday. Half of me is overjoyed, the rest is worried because I can’t remember the last time I didn’t sleep in my own bed—anxiety, anxiety. THEN I’ve lost over a week of good working time and my exams are next month. NEXT MONTH. How. Why. I can’t. Do this.
SO. All of that stuff is a tangle of anxiety and stress and fear, but there is also so much hope and enjoyment to be had to. I felt on top of it before this toe business, I really did. It feels so unfair that it had to happen now, but also lucky that it didn’t happen around birthday/holiday/exams. Eurgh I am so confused and crazy—while I just want it all to be over with, I am also stupidly avoiding thinking about or doing anything. But I have an excuse, right? My toe hurts… ♦
Ruby, you go girl!
Log in to replyI know that was so inspiring! congrats on standing up to the mean girls, Ruby;)
Log in to replyWOOT! WOOT!
Log in to replyYou’re like a legend now. Ruby, the girl who dared bring insolent bathroom wall opinions out into the light of day and was not booed for this breach in insulted girl protocol. ( I think you’re expected to run away and cry).
Log in to replyRuby- That sounds wonderful. I wish my school gave us that opportunity.
Log in to replyI think you’re missing what a huge part of growing up is- sacrificing your own desires for the good of others. I realize you want a lot of things for yourself right now, and that’s reasonable and healthy. But your mom has a serious financial need for you to be home. Being an adult often means making those sacrifices.
Log in to replyDylan- that is an immensely tough decision, and a huge burden to be put on you. But I’m sure whatever you decide to do will work out in the end. Good luck!
Ruby, I’m dying to know the gist of what you said! Dang, gurl.
Log in to replyI know! At least some of the inspiring phrases! I wonder if there are teachers there? Ruby? Or is it just a circle of kids. It’s so cool to be speaking loudly and clearly and just sensing that everyone is listening. We’ve had to do some poetry recitation this year and my first one…well I rocked it. I made it to the school finals, but didn’t win. I could feel that it was good. My second one…not sure. It was silent, because I know I was projecting, but I don’t know if the acting was “on par”.
Log in to replyI so know that feeling, though, Ruby! Its like you have something brave/important to say and its risky and nerve wracking that you kind of just let it spill and are all spinning around in the moment. What’s important is that you were a bad ass, though, so it doesn’t matter anywayzzz.
Log in to replyDoes anyone know what a secret slut is?
Log in to replyI’m guessing they think she’s a slut just they can’t prove it
Log in to replyI’ve been in the emergency wing of a hospital at midnight also! It was about a month ago. I thought I had appendicitis, but it turned out to be an ovarian cyst. I was so freaked out by the idea of surgery that I was shaking. they made me drink like a freaking gallon of this weird liquid before I took the CT scan. I was there until nearly 4 in the morning and it was not a fun experience but also kind of a fun experience because I am rarely injured. BUT ALSO IT WAS REALLY SCARY BECAUSE I HATE BEING INJURED.
Log in to replywoo go ruby, sounds so ‘movie like’, definitely a deleted scene from a teen movie
Log in to replyYeah, Ruby! You go girl:)
Log in to replyThat is such an awesome story. Whoever wrote that stuff on the wall is a fool. You go girl!
Log in to replyRuby, you are my role model.
Log in to replyRuby is such an awesome and inspiring role model. You go girl!!!!
Log in to replyRuby I also go to a Quaker school and, even though I am Quaker, I have always been too afraid to speak during my school’s meeting. I have always felt uncomfortable speaking in front of so many of my peers and am afraid of their possible judgement.
I wish I could have heard the message you gave!! Bringing an entire school to applause, especially during a Quaker meeting, is AMAZING.
Maybe one day I’ll be as brave as you (:
Log in to replyDylan: I believe you must do what is important to you before you can do good things for other people. Regardless of what your mother’s financial issues are, if being in California for the summer is important for you, you should stay. You are her daughter after all, mothers are supposed to care for their children, not the other way around.
Log in to replyWow! That’s insanely brave Ruby!
Log in to replySo cool! You go Ruby!! :)
Log in to replyRuby, you totally inspired me! :D
Log in to replyOh man…the two kids at the diner table was on the front sleeve to ‘Victory Gardens’ by John & Mary, an album I loved when I was Rookie-aged.
Log in to replyOh wow! That is totally amazing. I cut the picture out from National Geo (late 60s I think? I have too many…) The two children aren’t at a dinner table but in court, something to do with child welfare stuff or something. I liked how the boy obviously has this suit that is way too big for him, like it’s his dad’s or something.. so sweet. :)
Log in to replyAhhhh! Ruby! Such courage! :’) So proud of you! I could never do that… but you know what, I do the same thing when I speak publicly… my mind goes into a hazy trance and I just TALK. I don’t even remember exactly what I said either. Kinda weird but hey, at least I’m not puking or passing out, am I right?
http://china-lily.blogspot.com/
Log in to replyLove these diaries each one is so interesting, and I can almost always connect to them – awesome
http://purplebabaushka.wordpress.com/
Log in to replyThat. Is. Awesome Ruby!! I wish you had your strength!!!
Log in to replyDylan, to be honest, i don’t know what I would decide in your shoes. It’s a hard choice. I know that you could “ask” your mom to hold out a little, while you’re in Cali., or see if she can find somehow to pay for it herself… But the fact is, I think that becoming/being an adult is about thinking about others, and making sacrifices for others. Not choosing what’s best for you. That’s one of the crucial things to being an adult is to me. But i’m still a teenager, young and inexperienced. I hope that you make the right choice what ever that may be…
Being Human is Hard <33
Log in to replydylan~what a tough decision to make! although i believe in most cases it is better to put others first, i think this situation is different, IMHO. you may not have more opportunities for summer internships and you’re at the perfect age to start networking and build up your resume. i think that if you go home this summer you may regret it later.
Log in to replyruby~mad respect for speaking at your school meeting. when i was in high school i was called names and talked about (as many many girls are during this time in life), and i liked to pretend it didn’t bother me, but it genuinely upset me. it’s tough to stand up for yourself, you should be proud. you go girly.
Ruby, you’re my idol.
Log in to replymmmm hmmmm
Log in to replyDylan, I can totally relate to your situation. I copied your sentence about living an artistic life into a word doc.
I think it’s best for you to do the internship and continue your life in California. But man, decisions, decisions.
When I started reading your entry, for some reason I was thinking “Oh, I don’t have to make that adult step for a while” …but then I realized that I’m 18. OH GEEZ.
Log in to replyGo Ruby! I cannot imagine how hard that must’ve been to stand up and talk. You are such an inspiration! And poop to those girls who wrote that.
http://theaverageasiangirl.blogspot.com
Log in to replyYEAH. You tell ‘em, Ruby. This is just… asfl;kjf. So awesome. I’m going to think of you the next time I’m too scared to stand up for myself or others.
Log in to replyWay to go Ruby! By the way, I’ve wanted to name my child Ruby ever since I’ve heard the Kaiser Cheif’s song.
Log in to replyNaomi, your post reminded me of this line from girl interrupted (the movie) for some reason
the whole scene, but where Valerie says:
“But I think what you’ve got
to do is put it down. Put it away.
Put it in your notebook.
But get it out of yourself.
Away, so you can’t
curl up with it anymore.”
<3
Log in to replydylan: i dont know your personal background, but I think it is obvious that letting the oppourtunity for a job/internship go is just inefficient, especially if money is an issue in your family. Staying in Seattle would only be a weak repair for a longterm problem really. I think you should realise that this internship isn’t all about your “selfish, personal interest” but also about your (financial) future. People are right: making sacrifices is a huge part of growing up but in this case I believe it is just stopping you from becoming the artist you want to become/being successful. In the long run your family will profit from that too. the thing is, i’m only a little older than you, but have lived abroad for quite a bit in my life and one thing my parents had to learn was definitely to let go because we are not getting younger. change is the only constant.
Log in to replyDylan, from the perspective of a mom, your mom should have had a plan B for this summer. It’s not fair for her to make assumptions about what you will be doing, especially when her financial survival hinges on those erroneous assumptions.
I understand that she has a *preference* that you come home, but it sounds like she was making you responsible for paying her mortgage, which isn’t fair IMO. You’re 19, you’re off at college, it’s not automatic that you’d be home for the summer. That’s your choice.
Log in to replyDylan- I am 19 too and I know exactly how you feel, however the kind of situation I am in is my parents (especially my mother) trying to hold on to my “being a child” which is something I let go about a year ago, and she is in denial about it. I know it will sound selfish,but I believe at this time of your life you are the top priority. You have to work on your future and sadly this means putting yourself first, which however I don’t believe is necessary a bad thing. We only live once so we just have to make this one time worth living.
Oh and on the same note: my mother has that fear of me getting hurt or something if I don’t come back home every night, a similar thing to what your mother has, do you think that is just the realization that we are growing up and that they should let go, or should we be seriously freaked out?
Log in to replyDylan,
Log in to replyAs the child of a extremely needy, loving, and financially/emotionally unstable mother, I definitely feel your pain and face similar dilemmas all the time. After graduating college, I chose to move back into my mother’s apartment, with her and my 8 year old brother, to help her sort out her overwhelming situation. Now it has been almost a year since I moved back and though I feel like we have made some improvements, there is still a lot to be done. BUT, I am also done staying home and helping my Mom only to see her fall again and again due to her failure to maintain consistency. I am moving across the country with my boyfriend in a few month regardless of her state. My advice to you, as a person coming into this particular adult situation, is to really assess your mother’s need, think critically about the things that you can do that will ACTUALLY and EFFECTIVELY help her, give her love, and also know when you are being used… and at that point, walk away. Best to your family.
I am also a Quaker, and I know what you mean about the weird silence thing. I’ve never spoken in meeting, that I remember, and the only people my age who go are my friends/people I barely know, and there’s only, like, three of them. I never really thought of my meeting as an outlet for things like this, and I haven’t really needed an outlet for that sort of thing, but for the future I will remember that. Thank you.
P.S. You are awesome, and that took a lot of courage, and that was AMAZING.
Log in to replyDylan–That is a hard knot you are in. But there may be ways you can combine the two? There are lots of museums and galleries in Seattle, and given the art-school saturatedness of San Francisco it may actually be easier to get a cool internship in Seattle than in California–often you can have a bigger role in up-and-coming art scenes than in the more established and competitive scene of San Francisco. Speaking from many art-related-internships (and california) experience. I hope you can come to a decision that feels good for you AND lets you grow.
Best,
Nicole
Log in to replyruby– my bff courtnay love went to a quaker school. she was with some girls and they were rehearsing for some talent show-dance thing with one of courtney’s records, but the girls wanted to kick her out so she threw the record at them and got expelled. the girls probably didn’t appreciate her and thought she was an “emo-secret slut-weird freak” (or the 80′s version of that) i mean WE ALL KNOW THAT CLOVE IS IMPORTANT IN ANY AND EVERY SITUATION A TEENAGE GURL WILL GO THROUGH.
(jesus i spend too much time on tumblr…)
ANYWAYS– ruby i look forward to your diary entry every tuesday. ur mah favorite ILY <333333 middle skoooool buddiez GRRRLS THIS IS NOT A FACKING POPULARITY CONTEST TAKE YOU AND YOUR STINKY NO GOOD TOUCH SCREEN LIP GLOSS FAVORITISM SOMEWHERE ELSE BEOTCH no lololjkjkjk
but yeah all y'all are aweome. i like reading diaries (back stabbing female cat i thought you were my friend)
Log in to replyDylan-
I was totally there my Freshman year. I had decided to stay in LA for the summer for an internship and working on movie sets rather than go home to Olympia (Washington too! Weird, right?). This led to a tearful, almost-angry phone conversation with my parents. They probably felt the same way your mom did, like I was forcing them to bury their “baby.” But you know what? They were in a way burying their baby, but they were also letting me grow up.
No one, not even your parents, can tell you what is best for you at any given time anymore. You have to make your own decisions. On the other hand I feel for your mom and your dog though. I think you should really, really think about what they’re asking of you versus what you’d be giving up. Will those same opportunities be available next summer? For me, I felt much as you do, that this was a turning point in my life that I’d be throwing away or holding back my growth. But I was kind of wrong. I’m a junior now, and all those opportunities didn’t disappear. I’m not saying I would change what I did that summer, but I do feel bad that I had made it THE BIG DEAL I had. Just remember, those grown up chances will always be there. You have your whole life to grow up. But you won’t always be able to go back to your family when they need you.
Ruby-
YOU GO, GRRRL.
Log in to replyRUBYRUBY!!!!!!!!!
What did your friend say you said?
Log in to replyDear Ruby,
Log in to replyI’m now adopting you into my internet family.
Go, Ruby! That’s so rad!
Log in to replyRuby, you are so wonderful! You have so much courage and you just made life better for a whole lotta people by standing up and making it known that that sort of stuff is just not ok. You turned pathetic, childish and mean comments into something empowering and brilliant and ahhh – you are just unbelievably kickass.
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