Rookie

Collage by Sonja

There comes a time in every young female’s life when she must put away her dolls and hair ribbons and become the woman she was born to be. With the proper grooming and etiquette, a girl can easily find her footing in this new world of womanhood. I am here to instruct you on the valuable rules that govern this ladylike behavior because god knows you probably don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Use this guideline to further understand the demands of feminine maturity.

GROOMING

Presentation is a key part of becoming a respectable woman. Your future depends on your ability to be beautiful. As a girl, you did not paint your lips or line your eyes, but now that you are older, the wonders of makeup are right at your fingertips. Pick a lipstick that works well with your skin tone. Write “Kewl” on your right cheek and “Bitch” on your left. Then throw glitter all over your face. Oh golly, you sure are pretty! And doesn’t that just do wonders for your complexion?

A good beauty regimen involves washing one’s face with cold water and soap. Do not cake your skin in powders and creams. This can lead to acne, and you cannot have acne. If you do, you are probably a demon or a Communist.

When it’s that time of the month—you know, the days when blood seeps out of your vag—be extremely careful not to let anyone see your sanitary napkins. Especially boys. If boys know that you have a period, then they’ll know that you’re a human being, and that is just a no-no. Don’t even go to the restroom during your period. In fact, don’t go to the restroom ever. If you go to the restroom, people will think that you are either peeing or pooping, and that’s just obscene. If you do this, then you’re not a lady and YOU NEVER WILL BE.

Wash your hair every day, and opt for styles that frame your face attractively. If your hair does not look 100% perfect, you are wasting your time, and it would behoove you to shave your head and purchase a wig. Get one of the fiber-optic kind that lights up at the tips.

Looking good is important, but smelling good is even more important. Actually, it’s a toss-up, but they’re both more important than feeling good. Perfumes can make you smell like flowers, cupcakes, or an old woman, and they will cover up any unwanted feminine odor. Or you could just drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of cigarettes and create your own personal scent.

STYLE

A woman’s style is very different than a girl’s style. Frilly, short dresses with full skirts are to be thrown away. Pick smart, polished dresses that cover you modestly while still accentuating your figure. Your clothing should always be ironed, mended, and clean. Seriously, though, if there is even a speck of dirt on your dress, you might as well just curl up and die. Like, really. GTFO.

You will most likely have several womanly items to carry around with you. For example: gloves, car keys, a compact mirror, a loaded gun, a spare gun, and more. To carry all these items you will need a sturdy and stylish pocketbook. Although a lady can never have too many pocketbooks, try to coordinate with your outfits. Keep an eye out for large pocketbooks that could discreetly hold small children. Children do the best manicures, so make sure to snatch one up the next time you see one!

Accessorize with dainty jewelry and pearls. Expensive jewelry can look inappropriate on a girl, but looks positively perfect on a young woman, like dog collars and spiked chokers.

EDUCATION

School may seem tedious and uninteresting to you because you are a girl, but it can have its benefits. You learn important subjects like writing, baking, and sewing. All of these skills are extremely applicable to your life beyond high school. You may choose to be a secretary or a housewife or a secretary who just has a job to support herself until she becomes a housewife. Your life is full of choices.

School is also a place to meet new friends and gain valuable experiences. Start an after-school activity like “Scrapbooking Club” or “Knitting Club” or “Ladies Who Will Kick Your Ass and Don’t Care What You Think Club.” Use these clubs to voice your opinions and hone your skillls. School is an institution for learning, but it is also a place for making weird friends that your parents will disapprove of. Keep this in mind always.

DATING

Now that you are a woman, it is time to start thinking about the most important aspect of your life: finding a husband. But before you walk down the aisle, you need to find a swell boy to go steady with. Try to meet boys by going to sock-hops or hanging out at your local diner or sending them Facebook messages that say “DATE ME OR I’LL KILL YOU.”

When you go steady with a boy, always do the things he wants to do. Go to a flick or to the bowling alley. Let him open doors for you and pay for the date. If you protest, you will seem fussy. When conversing, laugh appropriately and smile. Do not yawn, fidget, or roll your eyes; those behaviors are rude! As your date is talking, try doing the Macarena ever so slowly, but then gradually speed it up, all the while maintaining eye contact. When he asks what you are doing, say, “Oh, nothing really, you’re just so handsome!” and then move your eyelashes up and down a lot.

After your date, he will drive you home. Maintain your ladylike manners and kindly thank him for a great time. Remember: necking is not what a woman does. If your date does try to kiss you, scream, “GET BENT YOU FUCKER!” and then lolz about it on the internet later that night. It is the only proper thing to do.

ENTERTAINING

Those days of hanging out at the drive-in with your friends are over. Now that you and your friends are adults, you will need to learn how to cook and entertain properly. First, invite your friends over via telephone or paper invitation. Make sure to invite a group of friends that get along. Do not include anyone who is “bad news.”

Setting the table correctly is important. Your friends and future suitors will be judging your place settings as well as the china you have chosen. Decorate the center of the table with freshly cut flowers from your garden.

Cooking can seem like a daunting activity at first, but remember the simple assignments you completed in your home-ec course. Bake a cake or prepare a potato salad—these are simple dishes that any woman could make! Here is a recipe for a dinner that is sure to please your friends:

1. Get into your car and drive to the nearest McDonald’s.
2. Order burgers and fries.
3. Drive home.
4. Plate the boxes and serve.
5. No, you don’t have to take the burgers out of the boxes.
6. I said you don’t have to! Ugh, just listen to me, I’m your etiquette instructor.

Being a respectful, ladylike woman may seem awfully hard, but hopefully these tips will give you the confidence you need to be the charming and mature gal that you were meant to be. So grab your favorite lipstick, don that fiber-optic wig, and go show the world what you’re made of. ♦