During the peak of last week’s heat wave, I went to the farm to see my friend Kathleen. We walked through the hot, empty fields down to the stream, and then through the woods to a plank of wood perched over the water. We talked a lot about feminism, about human beings and ideas. I got frustrated and sad. In the serenity of the woods, the picture of life that our words formed intruded like a dull headache.
It’s tough to realise that some people don’t want basic reproductive rights for women, or that there are those who think that the way women are sexualised in the media isn’t a problem. I looked up at the sun coming through the trees and reflecting off the water, and wondered how nature can coexist with humanity. Social justice is so important to me, but I felt like if I had the choice right then, I would erase my conscience and lie down for weeks in the grass and flowers.
I get so angry at the mindlessness of people. I saw a boy litter the other day, and I was seething about the casual attitude of litterers, the wrapper slipping out of their hands as if they hadn’t been there in the first place. I gave him the most evil look ever, and I hope he noticed, because inside I really wanted to knee him in the groin.
I often feel like I have to wrestle with reality, with people and things that are completely out of tune with me, and resort to my own private little dream world. It’s hard to say exactly what this consists of: a huge amount of daydreams, story lines about future Naomi, alternate Naomi, everything I want to be and am not, and everything I aim to be in the future. I stare into the sky, at the birds, at the planes with their silver bellies, wondering where they go, wanting to be on all of them at once, to be everywhere now. I look at the sunset, the glow on the horizon, and want to follow it or be part of it somehow.
I am trying to figure out the right balance between the world in my head, where I am cushioned and happy and can surround myself only with the things I truly love, and a “real life” that is full of situations and people that aren’t perfect all the time. I wonder if there is a compromise. I am trying hard to find it. ♦