Britney
I haven’t quite realized that I’m a teenager, and I don’t know when I will. I know that my 13th birthday has come and gone, but some part of me doesn’t actually get it yet. I realized this the other day in gym class, while about half of the kids in my grade were waiting to get measured as part of our annual fitness test.
The gym was filled with sweaty eighth-graders running around and making noise. Two of my best friends were bored; someone got the idea to steal my socks. This led to our running around with one another’s socks and notebooks, screaming, “FIGHT CLUB!” every few minutes. Eventually we collapsed on the floor, laughing and trying to catch our breath. That’s when I saw a couple of other girls—girls I have known since sixth grade—watching us, shaking their heads. “There’s a time and a place for being immature,” one of them said. “And now is not the time.”
My playmates and I laughed it off, but I was left worrying if it was true—were we too old to act immature in gym class? Were my sock-flinging and tickling days over? Would I henceforth be forced to sit around with a fake smile plastered on my face, nodding politely at the “mature” conversation topics of my peers—high school admissions test, One Direction videos, etc.?
I keep telling myself that being a teenager—being a human in general—is about having fun when you want to. But why is that so hard to do when everyone around me seems to be growing up so fast? ♦
OMG YES BRITNEY I HAVE FOUND MY SOULMATE
and that sucks, Ruby.
Log in to replyYou are obviously having way more fun, Britney.
p.s. I’m in my twenties and my sock-flinging, tickle fight days are definitely not over.
Log in to replyBrittney, just wait- in a couple of years, everyone will be back to acting crazy. People go through a brief phase of pretending to be mature, usually in middle school. Then in high school and college, everyone stops caring. Trust me. I’m just a freshman, but a lot of my friends are college students, because they’re generally less judgmental.
Log in to replyThis is so true! Up until around eight or nine, it’s fine to be a kid. But then for a while people just want to be so grown up all the time (beats me why). Then by 14, 15, it’s more like ‘childhood was fun. Let’s do it again. NO SHAME!’
completely enjoying my second childhood xxx
Log in to replyBritney, I know the feeling. I’m in 9th grade and still act the way you described. My friends and I say act young while you can!
Log in to replyKatherine, I feel the exact same way. I try so hard, but no matter what I do, it’s wrong. Ugh! Ruby, I completely understand how you feel.
Log in to replyHow do you become a diarist?
Log in to replySubmit your writing to submissions@rookiemag.com and we will take a look!
Log in to replyI’ve submitted a diary entry a month ago or something, and haven’t received an answer. Should I send it in again, or send it directly to Anaheed?
Also, great entries this week. I feel for all of you!
Log in to replyAnd I’m sending hugs, Ruby. Feel better <3
Log in to replyRuby, EDNOS is just as serious as any other ED. Don’t let anyone tell you differently or let yourself believe that it “isn’t that serious.” Take a look at this: http://fyoured.tumblr.com/post/31829237276/levels-of-eating-disorder
I hope you get the help you need and start feeling better. <3
Log in to replyRuby,
My father and I have both suffered from bouts of depression, and I feel that it is definitely something you can come back from. Like you said, you were a happy person back in the day, and even though things may seem bleak and sad now, there will always be days where you’re happy that you have people who love you and where being cynical isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’re a creative, wonderful, funny girl and you’re one of my favorite Rookie contributors. This didn’t seem attention-seeking or anything; it made you seem that much more relatable and realistic. It’s good to know there are girls out there experiencing the same things I am.
Much love!
Log in to replyMorgan
Huge, huge hugs, Ruby. Also, Britney! I’m excited to have a new diarist. You sound like my kind of girl. And also also, Katherine: I feel you. So much.
Log in to replyOh man Britney! I totally know how you feel but don’t worry! I just started college and turned 18 and it feels so crazy to be such an OLD LADY and in this mature setting, but really, everyone is so perfectly immature and stupid and fun, and I think people never grow up really…
Log in to replySometimes I read these diary posts and just thank God that I’m not the only one who goes through things like anxiety, awkwardness, growing up, and learning who I am. Naomi, Katherine, Ruby, and Britney, you are my saviors. This post made my whole week. I’m praying for you, and I hope everything gets better for all of you!
Log in to replyDear Britney,
I don’t think girls who shake their heads at other girls having fun, and say pretentious, judgmental things as if they’re your parents or something, are “mature” at all. Fooling around with your friends once in a while seems like a reasonable thing to do. Pretending that, at 13, they know the definition of “immaturity,” and then acting like that makes their behavior somehow superior, seems pretty unreasonable.
:)
Log in to replyHI BRITNEY!
Log in to replyHELLO!
Log in to replyRuby,
Log in to replyI know how you feel.
100%
I suffered from anxiety and depression in freshman year.
I felt so terrible about it because I didn’t really have anything to be upset about. But I hated myself anyway. It hurt when I couldn’t tell anybody because I thought they would think I’m stupid. Kudos for going to a therapist.
I’m here for you hun
NAOMI. We were destined to be. Seriously, this is what I struggle with EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. DAY. Being around people, tossing between all the little drama that is my life, what do people think of me? or this? or that? and then coming home and having myself to myself–it makes me realize how exhausted I am from the being-with-other-people me. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS
Log in to replyhi katherine! I think I’m turning into you! I’m also a college freshman. today I turned in an essay for my favorite class that I finished 5 minutes before said class started and I know I completely botched. I should not be crashing and burning in my favorite subject, but guess what? it’s happening. also a few days ago I tried to wear eyeliner and ended up giving up and wiping it all off. and I’m 99% sure I’ll be going to a concert alone next week. so yeah. I Feel Yr Pain and I hope we both get through this.
Log in to replyBritney, I think we’re going to be good friends.
anaruizwriting.blogspot.com
Log in to replyNaomi: I am constantly between the on-my-own me and the me with other people as well. I’ve been in Chicago for over 2 years now and the two STILL don’t match up. Not to mention I am, in a way, at a new school this semester – I’m “studying abroad” at Second City. While I’ve started to open up and become comfortable with everyone, I’m still unsure if it’s truly me because that me is different from the alone me. Also, being in college where I meet new people every semester and also being in a city where I don’t have a super group of friends, I am always struggling with this. I agree, it is odd. You also worry if, since the two are different, you are not truly being yourself. I know who I am, just like you, and I don’t think those two Naomi’s have to match up at all. As long as you’re aware of the difference, you’re not being phony. We’re not one-dimensional people. We’re different versions of ourselves all rolled into one. And that’s what makes us so fascinating.
-Naomi ;)
Log in to replyBritney: Welcome! So excited that you’re part of the DIARIST ELITE FORCE! I know exactly how you feel- I turned fifteen today and I still like to watch cartoons and make up stories and play dress up. I don’t think doing things we love is immature at all; in fact, I think it’s much less mature to not have fun just so everyone thinks you’re cool and old.
Log in to replyHappy birthday, bean!
Log in to replyOMG, Ruby your birthday is OCTOBER 3RD? Best day ever: MEAN GIRLS DAY! (I’m sorry you probably get that all the time.)
Log in to replyThank you, and happy birthday! I definitely agree with you-I’d rather do everything that I love and be called immature for it than to be “mature” but not enjoy anything at all. By the way, your diary entry was REALLY powerful and heart-wrenching.
Log in to replyOh, Katherine, I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. I hope you soon know that you’re doing everything RIGHT and that you are an amazing, beautiful, and talented lady.
Log in to replyRuby– most of your descriptions sound like me, except I’ve only been having a problem for like a year and I havent seen a doctor about it. My dad just thinks it’s “late onset ADD”….
Log in to replyAnyway, I feel ya. Seriously.
Ruby, i don’t mean to be copy cat but i am literally you. all of those side effects and feelings about food. i’ve never been able to express it. i went to see a therapist last Monday. it didn’t go so well. because I’m so obsessed i lied to her about half my feelings. and when she said she would have to tell my parents if i was harming myself, i became to reclusive and dissociated myself so much i could barely hear her speak. i had just tired to kill myself Earlier that day, with no effect, so i had been hoping i could get it off my chest. cone again my craziness gets in the way. should i go again. i”m scared to become committed but i know everyone wants me to.
Log in to replyhttp://adventures-of-a-traveling-girl.blogspot.com/
Hey sissi, is it possible for you to try another therapist? Or is there someone else you trust whom you can talk to?
Log in to replyum, well she’s the only therapist in our neighborhood that takes our insurance. my parents made it pretty clear it was her or waiting until i could take myself further. i talk to my sister but considering how as i am writing this she is telling my darkest secrets to her boyfriend i may have to rethink that.
Log in to replyI suggest you go to another therapist. Not all of them are the same or handle things the same way. I have been to a couple I just couldn’t talk to and then switching helped a lot.
Log in to replyAnd I lied to therapists a lot too, because I didn’t want anyone but them to know I actually had issues. But you aren’t going to get in trouble for having them. I’ve learned that you can only feel better by being honest, no matter how scary it is.
I lost my mother to suicide. It hurt everyone she ever knew. It’s important to get help and talk to people you trust so the world can stay such a wonderful place with you in it.
I have been feeling the same way too Ruby… I think too much and I get really mad at myself for weird stuff and I try to get it out of my head. The bad thing about it too is my depression makes me seem like a bitch to my close friends and I close them out sometimes. I also think I’m bipolar sometimes
Log in to replyRuby, I have admired you since day one. Today is no exception.
Log in to replykatherine-
Log in to replyi’m a third year english lit student – i love my major and couldn’t dream of doing anything else, but my first couple of english courses in freshman year were hell. i felt physically sick getting a midterm back in a canadian lit. survey and receiving 30%… at that time i thought i probably just wasn’t cut out to be a literature student. and unlike a lot of other majors, when you receive criticism about your writing, it’s incredibly personal. but because it’s such a personal field, and so subjective, that also means that you’re never really wrong! profs and TA’s might see it another way, but in the end it’s all up to your own personal interpretation. so sometimes now i’ll do well on papers, and sometimes i’ll receive terrible grades… either way i know that i contributed something passionate and original, and beyond grades that’s really all that matters!
x
“My friend’s mom once told me that it was weird that my arms didn’t swing when I walked. Whenever I remember that, I try to make them swing more, but I feel like I overdo it.”
Log in to replyKatherine, you are a dream. I feel the same way too a whole lot, but anybody who’s doing anything interesting at ALL is doing it wrong by someone’s standards. WE GOT THIS, GIRL
1) Welcome Britney!!! :)
2) I know lots of people have already said this, but I just have to say it too.
Ruby, I feel exactly the same way. It’s scary sometimes because when I read your diary, I feel like I’m reading my own. I’m a freshman too. I have depression and anxiety. I also have EDNOS, and I leave my work until the very last minute (and not because I’m lazy). So I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. Sometimes it’s good to know you’re not alone.
Log in to replyFor those of you who felt the same way with the immature/mature thing, thank you so much. You are truly rad.
Log in to replyI totally feel you, Britney. I am going to be a senior in high school next year and I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I don’t act like a teenager is “supposed to”. I feel like I was just in 7th grade, but that was 4 years ago.
Log in to replySadly I really resonated with Ruby’s and Katherine’s entries, both powerful and beautifully written. Just knowing you’re not alone really helps, at least for me. Hope both of you feel better soon.
Also, welcome Britney!
Log in to replyRuby, you sweetheart, I know what you’re going trough. I’m sending you a private message on Facebook, wait a moment.
Log in to replyhi ruby,
i just want to say, i have BEEN there in so many ways. i was depressed and anxious and had a really crazy eating disorder that totally didn’t fit the stereotype of what an eating disorder was supposed to look like. the few friends i had i felt totally isolated from because i had so much family drama i couldn’t even talk to them about. i even had dreams of trying to save my little brother!
and maybe it seems trite to say ‘it gets better.’ but really, it’s kind of freakishly true. it doesn’t get better right away, maybe not even for a long long time. but it does. and when it does, you will see things in ways others can’t. i’m in my twenties now and NOTHING in my life feels even remotely as tough as years 12 to 16. just hang in there and keep writing. you have an absolutely perceptive eye.
Log in to replyKatherine, omg. Some one said the same thing with my arms not moving when i walked and i am so paranoid about it all the time. What sort of person can’t even walk properly?
Log in to replyBritney: I am wayyyy older than you and I still behave immature and childish. But who says we need to be mature in front of others to prove it to them that we can or cannot be mature? It’s more about smiles and laugh and craziness and more laugh. We do what makes us happy and our real friends understand that. And frankly, it’s fun being around such ppl *hugs*
Log in to replyRuby: I don’t know if I can say that I completely understand what you must be going through inside. But even I feel I suffer from depression and anxiety (which makes me sleep talk & walk) and worst part is, where I come from going to a therapist is considered taboo!! So I get to deal with all this on my own. But I just tell myself – I can make or break my life so I have to somewhere decide what I want for myself .. I guess that keeps me going … big big *hug*
hellooooo britney!! haha, i had a very similar appearance in high school when i was in seventh grade. my friend gave me a piggy back and we ran so fast we fell over and everyone was muttering because high school is a place where many pubescent teens congregate to judge others.
have fun u know.
and ruby: reading your entry made me a little scared. i know everybody is different, but i have those exact experiences, minus the food. should i talk to someone?
Log in to replyIt can never hurt to talk to someone, especially if you think you have anxiety or something.
Log in to replyThis has to be one of the most depressing dairies on rookie :/
Not that anyone deserves ED, anxieties, depression and whatnot, but why, WHY all of you, amazing girls, have them? It’s so wrong, you could start acting all Regina George and Heather and you’d still be the best.
Otherwise, i can relate to Naomi’s fear of losing herself, i also become a different person when in school or anywhere.
http://melodyfairitale.wordpress.com/
Log in to replyKatherine, I know what you mean. I’m in my first year of college, too, and I am also doing everything wrong. “What do you mean we had homework?” “What do you mean my answer didn’t answer the prompt?” “What do you mean I’m supposed to be with friends every time that I eat in the cafeteria?” “What do you mean that it’s not college-y to say that Adventure Time is my favorite show in an introduction to the class?” <– That has been me since I've got here. Eventually I decided that this program that I'm in just isn't gelling with me, and that I'll stick it out until I can change directions after the semester is over.
It's okay. You will get into a groove. When you're thinking that people are judging you, remember that it's YOU thinking that, and that you don't actually know whether or not they are. Then, let the worry go and just continue to focus on what you're doing. I know it's easier said than done, because I struggle with it all the time. But it's less worrisome than assuming the worst!
As for what you've been doing in your free time, that sounds waaaay more fun than getting drunk! Who cares what anyone else thinks the "college experience" should be.
It's good to feel like I'm not alone in this. Thank you. :)
Log in to replyNaomi, I know exactly what you’re talking about. When I’m around other people I always seem to lose sense of who I am… It gets better as you get to know the people around you and make closer friends, but it never really goes away. I think in the end you just have to realize that people aren’t ever going to know you the same way you know yourself. And it’s perfectly fine that way, but you shouldn’t let the way others see you define who you are.
Log in to replyRuby, you just put everything into perfect words that I never could (and I’ve really been trying to explain all of those feelings to my loved ones). I’m actually going to send this entry to all of my friends and family so they start REALLY understanding and listening to me and that I’m not lazy, I just can’t focus and food makes me stressed out. We literally have the same mind (unfortunately for us).
And I’m on super low dosage anxiety meds that help a ton without making me feel dependent (I know that other people with the same severity of anxiety should be on harder stuff, but I’m not and I think it gives my life a beautiful sense of balance).
You’re the best, anxiety sucks, and you will get through it :)
Log in to replyruby i feel you! i remember being happy at one point, and sometimes its like where did that gooooooooo?!
Log in to replyif for just 3 minutes or so, some Celine Dion songs, from Y2k era, can lift your spirits, like i’m alive and thats the way it is. they are also seriously funny videos.
Britney,don’t worry. Seriously. When I was in 7th grade my friends and I were the “immature, weird” group who played tag at lunch and things like that. Now, I’m in 9th grade and I’m kind of embarrassed by that. You will NOT BELIEVE how much you can change in the course of a year or two. Now, I don’t play tag at lunch. It’s not because of peer pressure, It’s because I don’t want to. Me an my friends still goof off and do silly things, but nobody really cares anymore. PEOPLE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL ARE REALLY UPTIGHT. My school is grades 7-12 and all the kids in my class are totally more relaxed now that everyone’s known each other for 2 years. If you feel that peer pressure is stopping you from having fun, just be WEIRDER to piss them off. If you feel that you don’t actually WANT to play sock tickling, then your interests are probably changing, and who you will become next will be just as great as who you are now.
Log in to replyRuby <3
Log in to replyIt's paralysing and everyone must tell you this but regardless; one day it won't be.
Britney I felt the same! But I still kept playing with a dollhouse when everyone else where talking about boys. And it was great, cause childhood isn’t really that long. Now I’m almost 15 and still behave immature and childish. I hope that part of me will never go away.
And welcome!!
Ruby, you’re not seeking for sympathy but I’m still going to send you some *sympathy vibes*. xx
And NAOMI I know what you mean and feels great to hear that I’m not alone in this ” omg new people, who am I, I’m not being myself, but who is this mysterious ‘Myself’??” thingy. It’s confusing but I think that we have many personalities inside us and we should not be told that there’s only one true you. Okay that was quite confusing, hopefully you got my point.
http://selinanoma.blogspot.fi/
Log in to replyOMG BRITNEY CONGRATS! I’m so happy for you, had no idea you were writing for Rookie. Well that’s two of my favourite bloggers now diarists! You made an awesome point by the way; I’m totally the same.
Log in to replyNaomi, I really identify with what you say about struggling with your identity when you’re around other people. I’ve read several of your diary entries, and I’m geniunely really happy that you are managing your anxiety so well (it seems that way to me at least).
I’ve had crippling anxiety problems from about age 11-12 (I’m 22). Recently I’ve moved flats and am back doing voluntary work, taking part in an art group & building myself up until I can (hopefully) get on the amazing embroidery course I want to do.
Comparatively, things are hugely better than some of the god awful situations I’ve been in before. But I have been struggling with identity when suddenly finding myself in the world again.
Though having your beliefs, your interests, your passions out in the world for others to see is far from easy.
I find often people will see me or hear what I’m currently doing with my life (which is not exactly conventional) and try and put identities upon me. They’ll see that I act extremely quiet and reserved and will think i don’t have a personality. Of course everyone does it to others at times, mostly unintentionally, but it can be very disorientating.
I think what I really wanted to share though was that I think your gut feeling about who you are is the real one. We all slightly shift our behaviour subconsciously in different situations, & our identity can’t & should never be concrete (I think) but you can always be in touch with the heart of your being.
Sorry if this seemed nonsensical or innaccurate, but I think you are doing incredibly well & that things will get easier
Log in to replyBritney, I think we might be the same person. I know that sounds creepy but oh well. The stupid sock thing sounds exactly like something I would do. Last year my school had a carnival day and I think I was in the inflatable obstacle course for like an hour. Don’t worry about it. My solution has been to join school clubs/teams with older kids in them. It may seem counterintuitive but they don’t really care if you act like a child because you ARE a child to them.
Log in to replyBritney? Please. Sock-flinging will NEVER BE OVER. Once my best friend and I spent an entire day coloring coloring-books because reasons. And we are fifteen.
Log in to replyruby you’re so perfect and i love the way you write and i love how relatable your entries are. once a week, i’m reminded i’m not alone in this world of people that seem so foreign. i don’t know, this doesn’t make sense, but you’re perfect and i love you.
Log in to replyI’m just the same! I laugh at absolutely everything (flowers, tables etc.) and it really gets me into trouble with my teachers, especially when they have, like, one hair sticking up on top of their heads or something… I’m the only one, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, hahaha xxxxxx
Log in to replyOh wow, Ruby. Thank you so much for posting this! I was crying by the time I finished ready your entry, because I can relate to it so much. I hope that you start feeling better, no one deserves all that crap on their plate.
Log in to replyKatherine- I can so relate to feeling like everything I do is wrong. That basically describes my everyday life. I’m constantly criticizing myself, and I always think I’m messing up at life in general. I’m working with a therapist to lessen this negative self-talk, but it’s a hard habit to break. My therapist always tells me to treat my “Critic” like she’s a little girl who’s scared and needs my compassion instead of being mean to her. But it gets so frustrating, because she’s constantly tormenting me!!
Ruby- I’m 21, so I’m a bit out of Rookie’s age range, but I felt like I needed to comment. I was in intensive outpatient treatment, hence my username, for depression and anxiety for ten months after trying to take my own life in the summer of 2011. The place where I went in Chicago treats a lot of girls who have EDs. I have met so many wonderful, courageous and inspiring young women like you who are trying to heal. Thank you for posting this, and stay strong!
Log in to replyRuby, this ripped my heart into shreds and scattered them everywhere.
Log in to replyHave an internet hug.
:)
Britney, I totally get how you feel. I’m 17 and when I was at my block party I got into a shaving cream fight with the younger kids and my neighbor’s MOM said, “Um, aren’t you a little old for this?” I just smiled and said, “Nope!”
Log in to replyWhen I was 12 I barely realized I was 12, sometimes i had to tell myself “no wait yoU ARENT 13 DUDE YOU ARE 12 CALM DOWN W/ ALL THE TEENAGER THINGS”. I even had my “things I will do when im a teen” list (which included things like watching MTV, wearing makeup every day, and shaving my legs every day, and alwaaaaaaaaays looking cute, having a boyfriend, etc, etc).
And now most of the time I’m like, Oh shit, I’m a teenager now, I have responsibilities, I didnt expect this, why isn’t it all fun and gamES, WHY AREN’T THERE A BUNCH OF PARTIES AND BOYS.
Good thing I also realized that just because I’m a teenager doesn’t mean that I have to do all those things like, dude i dont need to look cute every day
and why do I /need/ a boyfriend like why is it crucial
and where am I going to get time to shave my legs every day
and makeup every day why I’m not going anywhere
and MTV doesnt even have real good shows, I don’t need MTV (except Teen Wolf because that show is capital G great).
But for real, where did 12 year old me even get all these teen expectations.
I think sometimes we forget that we are teens because usually we are not how we imagined as teenagers.
Log in to replyGreat diary entries. Welcome, Britney, and I really hope you feel better, Ruby. <3 <3 <3
Log in to replykatherine, you’re incredible. i’m a senior in college and let me tell you I am the Same way! I find myself doing non college-y things. sure, i’ve been wasted, went to parties and acted like a loon on the sidewalks at 3am, but those were mostly sparing moments, sprinkled in between many nice walks, galleries, movies, food places, radio stations, exhibits, reading quietly, existential talks, staring up at the stars…
you have nothing to be ashamed of; you are doing it all right. I hope you see that soon enough!
Log in to reply<3 lauren