I feel the worst I’ve felt in a while—like my innards have turned to sludge—and it’s not because of the massive amounts of junk food I eat (though that’s probably not helping). It’s because of school.
I hate my school so much that I wanna puke 24/7. It’s basically the same bullshit and atmosphere as my high school, except here I don’t even like my classes. I’m thinking of dropping out when this semester’s over. Seriously. I feel like if I stay here any longer, my soul will shrivel up into a raisin-like glob and I will hate everything forever. I know I said I was going to get a job a while ago and never did, but this week I typed up my résumé and made a list of places where I want to apply. Because if and when I drop out of college, I don’t want it to be some big tragedy. I want it to be empowering. I want to feel like I’m taking total advantage of the future that’s in front of me.
But I guess I have doubts about it still. It’s like in that Baudelaire poem where he goes, “This life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed with a desire to change his bed”—we’re always convinced that suffering over there would be so much better. I totally realize that dropping out and getting a job isn’t some incredible, glamorous alternative to suffering at MISERY UNIVERSITY. I’d have to move back in with my parents and work some hostess or retail job while many of my peers are off in different cities, living on their own, getting educated.
But I do feel like I’m suffering in the wrong bed. This one is right by the window, which might be great for those who enjoy sunlight and don’t have sensitive skin, but I’m getting a harsh sunburn over here. That other bed over there, the one I’ve been eyeing, is too short for me, and my feet hang off the edge, but it’s far from the window and closer to the door. I feel like moving there would give me time to let my burns heal.
Which bed I choose will determine what 2013 looks like for me. Meanwhile, I’ve registered for spring classes here and filled out the paperwork to stay, just in case. ♦