Katherine
I feel the worst I’ve felt in a while—like my innards have turned to sludge—and it’s not because of the massive amounts of junk food I eat (though that’s probably not helping). It’s because of school.
I hate my school so much that I wanna puke 24/7. It’s basically the same bullshit and atmosphere as my high school, except here I don’t even like my classes. I’m thinking of dropping out when this semester’s over. Seriously. I feel like if I stay here any longer, my soul will shrivel up into a raisin-like glob and I will hate everything forever. I know I said I was going to get a job a while ago and never did, but this week I typed up my résumé and made a list of places where I want to apply. Because if and when I drop out of college, I don’t want it to be some big tragedy. I want it to be empowering. I want to feel like I’m taking total advantage of the future that’s in front of me.
But I guess I have doubts about it still. It’s like in that Baudelaire poem where he goes, “This life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed with a desire to change his bed”—we’re always convinced that suffering over there would be so much better. I totally realize that dropping out and getting a job isn’t some incredible, glamorous alternative to suffering at MISERY UNIVERSITY. I’d have to move back in with my parents and work some hostess or retail job while many of my peers are off in different cities, living on their own, getting educated.
But I do feel like I’m suffering in the wrong bed. This one is right by the window, which might be great for those who enjoy sunlight and don’t have sensitive skin, but I’m getting a harsh sunburn over here. That other bed over there, the one I’ve been eyeing, is too short for me, and my feet hang off the edge, but it’s far from the window and closer to the door. I feel like moving there would give me time to let my burns heal.
Which bed I choose will determine what 2013 looks like for me. Meanwhile, I’ve registered for spring classes here and filled out the paperwork to stay, just in case. ♦
New diaryist!!! (That was terrible spelling but whatever) The diary school project sounds ridiculous. I would have been that annoying person who would just make up stuff and therefore defeat the purpose of a diary. But hello hello new person!
Log in to replyNaomi, that last paragraph was perfection. Finally somebody has put into words the EXACT way that I feel.
Log in to replyI agree.
Log in to replyWelcome Nandi! I loved your diary! From now on, I am gonna consider all of my b’s badass.
Log in to replyhey Nandi! I am excited to read your diary entries. It’s nice to have another 16 year old who seems to be in about the same place in school as I am.
I have really been interested in spoken-word poetry. I am watching the documentary about the Louder Than a Bomb slam poetry competition in Chicago right now. I love how you just really feel the language and how it is brought to life on stage.
Maybe one day you can share some poetry or a spoken word video for Rookie? That would be awesome- I haven’t seen any poetry on here before!!
Log in to replyYeah it would be cool! She writes really well, it does read a bit like spoken word poetry. pLease, please do it Nandi? And welcome!
Log in to replyKatherine ~ maybe think about transferring schools instead of just dropping out? There are probably others that are a lot less shitty than yours sounds : )
Log in to replyHugs, Katherine… and welcome, Nandi!
Log in to replyKatherine you should consider transferring instead of dropping out, cause education is good.
Log in to replyWelcome to the Rookie diarist team, Nandi! The fact that your diaries are in actual diary form is really cool.
Log in to replyAh, yes! spoken poetry is so awesome
Log in to reply“So I got a B, for badass, obviously.” HA!
Nandi, this is RAD. I am so, so, so glad you are part of the Wednesday-diary-team. I love your tone….you are very cool.
(Is it weird for me to say that already? Whateva)
Log in to replyhttp://www.knockknockstuff.com/catalog/categories/books-other-words/journals/my-dysfunctions-guided-journal/
Welcome, Nandi! Also: I’ve found your calling (see above).
Log in to replyRuby, the phrase “people who don’t have to miss her the way I do” captures precisely how I feel about my mom’s death, too. sometimes I feel like I SHOULD be more sad during holidays, but the truth is that I still get sad about it every day, even eight years later. it’s a sadness I learned to live with.
Log in to replyoh, also, Katherine! as someone who DID leave college and then came back, to a different one, two years later, I want to let you know that IT IS OKAY to take a break from college (temporary or permanent). as my best friend said when I was contemplating leaving school (again!): “an education is nothing to sneeze at. but shit, dude, neither is your mental health!”
anyways my point is: if you leave, you can always go back, and you could very well like it much more the second time around. I knew better what I wanted out of my education, I had a much better sense of who I am, and after doing menial and physical labor I had a real appreciation for the true privilege attending college. STAY STRONG!
Log in to replyHere here, homedawg
Log in to replyAh, welcome, Nandi! :) and Katherine, I’ve kind of been going through the same situation. Although I’m not in university (furst year of high school, actually) I have been despising it with an unhealthy fiery passion. I just can’t stand sitting behind a desk and having to learn all of this BS only to be tested on and judged on by a stupid number. Anyways, I know that we’ll both get through this (you’ll probably make it out better than I will), so hang on there! (If only I could believe that myself…)
Log in to replyCool.
Log in to replyOh my god, Naomi, that last paragraph was just so perfect. You just put everything I’m going through right now into words. <3
Log in to replyKatherine, whether or not you’ll read this I don’t know but I feel like I could be in the same position as you. I’m from the UK so I’m at uni here but really really not enjoying it, I’ve struggled to meet people on the same ‘wavelength’ as me and subsequently felt incredibly lonely/a total outsider the whole time. Everyone I’ve spoken to says that it’s going to get better.. we’ll see I guess. Can’t really offer any advice or reassurance, but i hear ya basically.
Log in to replyNandi, welcome! Ha, I’ve never been able to really keep a diary either, although no teacher has ever tried to force me (if they did, I feel like the majority of the journal would be half-truths and made up events). I would just write for a day or three, look back on the passages and violently rip them from the journal. I’m still trying, except with a journal wherein I do whatever I want whenever I want. Art, crafts, angsty poetry, movie reviews, playlists, etc.
Log in to replyKatherine, I sometimes feel like I hate my school (except I’m in high school so I CAN’T LEAVE) because it’s chock full of privileged upper-middle class kids with, like, money pouring from their every pore. And then you have my friends and I, who would live in huge houses with a zillion electronic devices and go skiing except for our parents pour every last cent into the huge tuition. Also all the teachers here are conservative and religious, and learning Government and World History from them just painful. Not because I don’t like hearing different opinions, but because I am really tired of hearing “America frick yeah!” encoded in every lecture.
Ruby B. I am so sorry. I know what you mean, the times I most miss my best friend aren’t the times when her whole family is at my house for a mass gathering on her birthday, but when I walk through the back door that she used as an entrance when she stayed with us for a few months, or when I use her favorite spoon, or when I see things the way she saw them. I can only imagine how terrible it must feel when you’ve lived with that person your whole life, and I’m so sorry that your house feels empty. There’s something about the energy of real life people that raises your spirits whether you feel like it or not. I hope things get better, xx
Log in to replyHey, New girl! I really like the way you write! It reads like a poem, or like a song (kind of the same thing), and you’re funny. Also, I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have called you new girl, Nandi.
Log in to replyI use my polyvore account as a visual diary!
Log in to replyRuby I love your writing. You are amazing.
http://birdiewearsatie.blogspot.com/
Log in to replyKatherine, it sounds like you’re having a pretty terrible time. University is hard enough as it is, but when you don’t like your school or your classes, it’s even worse. Kinda like there’s no point in even going. But there’s always other options, right? Maybe the program/school you’re in just isn’t the right fit for you. Maybe you just really want/need to be employed for a while to figure out what you really wanna do. You could even go abroad for a year, studying, volunteering, or a work-holiday type thing. There’s no point in suffering through something when you aren’t even learning anything. My own university experience was pretty good; I liked my program and most of my teachers and I learned a lot. But even still, I feel like I could have done a different major that would have given me a better chance of getting a job. I didn’t make very many friends and I lived with my parents the whole time (still do) while I watched my old high school friends go off to different cities and become more adult-like. We all have our regrets, and from what you’ve written, I think you might regret it if you stay at your current school. Maybe finish off your year and then re-evaluate your position in the summer.
Log in to replyThis is so true. My sister’s best friend went to uni studying fashion design. At the end of his first year.. He failed. So he took a year off and worked in a fabric shop, and then went back, changed courses, and is now a successful fashion stylist. Proof that you sometimes need a break to re-evaluate things. :)
Log in to replyYou ladies are all wonderful. <3
Log in to replyI took a break from college and everyone made such a fuss. One year later i went back in, and now I have graduated. the year that I took off gave me a chance to focus on other aspects of myself that I felt weren’t up to par – my social life, handling my depression, being too codependent, ect. I’m really glad I had that chance to focus on myself :) .
numoonvintage.blogspot.com
Log in to replyAw all the diary entries were really nice this week. And welcome Nandi! I think you and I are going to have a lot in common judging by your first diary entry.
Log in to replyI loved your entry Nadie!
I was wondering when you were going to post the jornal scans you had asked for
Log in to replyThey got bumped to next month because of some timelier content we received unexpectedly, but they’ll run soon I promise. (I can’t wait for everyone to see them — they are SO GOOD.)
Log in to replyI’m so excited to see them too!! Thanks
Log in to replyOhmyword! Nandi! I live in South Africa too, in KZN!!! So awesome :)
Log in to replyNaomi, I feel exactly the same way. Oh my gosh.
Log in to replyOmg new diarist! Lovelovelove your entry; Bs are totally bad-ass. Docking points for dysfunction sounds ridiculous. Like. Wat. Well that definitely won’t happen here :P Can’t wait to hear mooooore ^_^
Log in to replyNaomi, I guess I was being a bit ridiculous in thinking I was alone in that way of thinking. I just didn’t know other people thought the same thing. A lot do, judging by the comments :)
Also, Nandi! You first journal was awesome and I’m excited for the rest!
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